Tough Day

Today I went to say goodbye to my brother. I has been one of the toughest days of my life.

I had not cried at all since I was told he was dead, but the second I saw him, tears were flowing out of me, and have been for 5 hours now.

Seeing him like that was more than I could handle. Silent, statuesque, morbid.

How can life continue without him?

My brother died today.

Today I received a call around noon. "Are you sitting down?" the voice asked. This could not be good. It wasn't.

He was 33, four years younger than me. Apparently he was doing drugs, and they killed him.

After the news I went for a walk. A long one. It was sunny, to sunny for someone to die terribly. I was trying to remember his face, he demeanor, his laughter, his cheeriness. I was having a hard time of it.

He was the kind of person who was always in a good mood. If he was not doing drugs, you would think he was, cause his mood was always "high". I don't think I have ever seen him sad. I will miss that. Perhaps I can be inspired by that single memory and use it to improve my own mood when I'm gloomy. I know that I have to honour him in some way.

Tomorrow I have to go to the Chapel where he has been placed. My mother and sister are joining me there. It will be a chance to say goodbye.

It's not a good day, this one. Not at all.